"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
