You smell like a Billy Joel song
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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