Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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