pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
