Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
