I wish I only lived at night.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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