Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
