I'm gonna have a badass scar
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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