you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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