Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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