MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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