Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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