So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
