You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
