Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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