fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
