Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
