Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
