do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize