wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
