the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
