Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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