Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
