He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
