It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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