nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
