So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
