So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
