I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
