I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
