no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
