I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
