captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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