Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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