I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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