Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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