Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
no you cant smoke seaweed
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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