You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
