Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
