I need to stop coming to work sober
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize