Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
