So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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