I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
