I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
