i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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