I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
