so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
