Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm too high and old for this...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
