Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize