we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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