8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
