ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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