I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
