Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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