His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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