I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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