I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
