You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize