I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
