im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
