i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
