I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
