I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
