Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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