We won't sleep together?
If that was your dad, he is hot
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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