If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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