i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
