I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
