please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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