I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
