Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
